The thinker

Call it a blessing or a curse, I am a deep thinker. Having an inquisitive mind can be exhausting yet exhilarating. Did curiosity kill the cat or is ignorance bliss? It has been said that creative minds are often the most tortured. I've asked myself many times would I swap my mind for an ignorant mind? If so, would that ignorance equal strength? Would my life be truely fulfilling in a blissful blur....I guess I will never know.

As you can probably tell I'm in a reflective mood tonight. Everyone at some point must question their decisions and what path to go down given the choice again. It's true that experiences make who you are, but what if you could experience things differently?  I guess all these questions are arising as I'm fast approaching 30. Age is a number right? I don't think so. As much as I don't feel like an adult, I do feel like I've grown as a person. I think of my life 10 years ago. Heck, 15 years ago. Things that seemed like my whole world then aren't so much anymore. My worries, deepest fears, hopes for the future (or lack of) have changed dramatically.

I really feel like I've found myself in my 20's. I have found great company, true friends, like minded people who comfort, reassure and tell me when I'm being a dick. In my teens my life resolved around my friends and how I was perceived. Loving the wrong people. Not being sure of myself. The usual. I often wonder what I'll make of this part of my life in another 10 years. I'm far from being established as a contented, satisfied individual. I doubt I ever will be.

It's hard being yourself. If I could write something to my younger self I'd probably say 'You will embrace who you are.' Certain social situations are still hard for me and I sometimes feel that awkward teen stirring inside me. But I'm getting better at them. Just don't expect to engage in non awkard small talk with me! ;)

Appreciation is good for the soul

I always hated being told appreciate what you have and be thankful for all that you've got and yadayada. I actually felt bitter at times when I heard that when I was ill. It still annoys me a little, especially the memes on facebook and the like. I knew there were people worse off than me but it brought very little comfort. In fact I didn't like to think about the people worse off.

The thing about anxiety and depression is you can't truely feel grateful for what you have. Things may even be great in your life but you just can't recognise it. It's a void of feelings. A feeling that you aren't yourself. A feeling you will never get better. The burden of guilt. In a way you have to be selfish (or at least that's how it feels) and put yourself first. This can be extremely difficult. Thinking back to my lowest point is almost like looking back at someone else's life. It's terrifying.

Now my mind has cleared, I have thought a lot about every individual who has helped me. I've looked around at what I've got. I'm thinking about what small things I've done that I couldn't a few months ago. And you know what I feel? Appreciation. To all that I have, all who I know and the things I've achieved.

Now I'm looking to the future. Planning mine and Sean's wedding. It's very exciting. Even feeling excitement feels great.

If you are at a low point and feel like I'm gloating and you'll never feel that way again.....just know I felt that way once. Know I have broad shoulders to lean on. Am I saying I'm fully myself and I love everyone and everything? No, I'm still a grumpy, short fused sceptic. In many ways I will never become the carefree person I was once. I don't think it's something you can fully get over. But I'm moving forward and I am grateful to each and everyone of you that's cared about my welfare.

(If it sounds like I am rambling I am haha, it's late).

Reflection, perception and my weird and wonderful friends

I feel in a reflective mood this evening, probably down to my return to work tomorrow. I had doubts whether I would reach this point, not knowing if I would ever feel ready or no longer able to cope or do my job to the best of my ability. Things that once were part of my daily life became impossible. Leaving the house was a struggle so work seemed totally unachievable. My working life became a huge hurdle, a hurdle that I myself made taller and taller. Yet here I am. I'm about to leap, maybe heave myself, over that hurdle. I am ready to get my life back.

I am fortunate to have people inside and outside of work who have been extremely supportive. Maybe they don't realise how much they've helped because a simple 'how are you' has aided my recovery. I know everyone is not like that because I've heard it with my own ears. A misconception about mental rather than physical illness is that it's something you can control. I learnt the hard way that you can't.  I sometimes wish I had spoke my mind there and then. You wouldn't judge or expect someone with cancer to get over it. Some people may find that comparison unfair or extreme but some mental illnesses strip a person of who they are so they no longer look after themselves and even take their lives. Society still has a long way to go when it comes to the perception of mental illness.

For those people who have stood by me thank you. I appreciate it isn't easy to see someone you care about hurting. I know it's sometimes hard to find the words to say. I'm fortunate enough to have a loving and caring family and weird and wonderful friends. I have been given positive words of encouragement and comfort, been given thoughtful gifts, been told I am brave and that they are proud of me. For that I am truely thankful, more than you could know.

http://weneedfun.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Thank-You-Quotes-25.jpg

2016....things can only get better?

2016. Probably the toughest year of my life. Scratch that. Definitely the worst year. Just as I opened up about my mental health, I opened up about my miscarriage. I was surprised to find out how common it was. I'd mention it and more often than not people would say they went through the same thing, or someone they knew had. If only it was spoken about more we would see that we are not failures, there isn't anything wrong with you, it doesn't mean you can't have a successful pregnancy and you're not less of a woman. Of course that doesn't take away the pain or make it any less personal to you, just that it happens a lot to a lot of people.

This year started off fairly badly. My anxiety was increasing and peaked when I had a breakdown of sorts in work. It left me housebound for some time and I've had a lot of time off work. Then I had a miscarriage. Then I got scammed online. We are still fighting with our previous letting agents. Sean got let down with a promotion in work. Sean has very recently broken his leg. When so much negativity is happening in your life it is hard to see the positives. You almost come to expect bad things and become more and more accustomed to them. Now we are coming up to the middle of the year and I'm hoping the second half will be kinder. I hate the saying 'things happen for a reason'. I know there are people worse off than me. But what I've learnt is it's okay to be pissed off, frustrated and feel hard done by. Sometimes a stiff upper lip isn't an option. However I won't let these things consume me.

Anxiety wise I am feeling better. I'm just starting to dip a toe into work (which became a huge barrier). I am more accepting of my illness and less likely to beat myself up about it. Just like diabetics need insulin, my brain needs medication (I know some people are adverse to medication but it seems to be helping me). I'm currently doing an online CBT course though I prefer to talk on a face to face basis. Perhaps talking therapy may be an option in the future. For now I'm going to continue what I am doing and work towards becoming me again.

Enter Sandman

Yet again sleep has eluded me. It's just past 3am and although I love the quiet at this time, I also love sleep. Despite staying awake for 39 hours straight this week already, I am confronted with the fact that may happen again. Have I already said I love sleep? Some among us don't share the same opinion and if they could take a pill and never sleep again they would. I like to think of sleep as a regeneration process. During sleep the body is still working; storing memory, 'fixing' chemical .imbalances in the brain, keeping skin healthy and so on. I'm not sure why this bout of insomnia has hit me so hard this week. It could be down to a higher dose of medication or my endless racing thoughts about my upcoming wedding or worries about my state of mind OR all of the above. It's truly great to have a creative mind, but sometimes it goes into overdrive.

To help with my sudden rush of thoughts I've inadvertently turned the telephone jotter into a wedding planner. On my to do list is buying a scrapbook so the pages aren't to chaotic. Now most of my house is decorated my focus has shifted to a wedding. I don't know if the sudden urges to complete things is part of my illness but it's made me get shit done. Other times I feel like doing nothing at all and showering is an achievement.

On the weekend I went to a wedding fair and ended up finding a wedding venue. I worried all week that I wouldn't feel up to going as last week I felt pretty low. I'm glad I went. Finding out a venue I loved was actually achievable felt great. Once the venue was found the planning side started to snowball. I found my dress. This may all be in vain as I still have my fingers crossed to win a free wedding. It's warmed my heart the effort some people have gone to to collect tokens for us.

Now I'm going to try to regenerate. If this isn't achievable I will at least rest with my kitties. Don't leave me out again Mr.Sandman.

Dealing with loss.

Today I have felt a little down. Partly because it's the end of the school holidays and I'm not back in work plus I'm exhausted from the rush and social gatherings of the weekend. However, I did have a great weekend, my anxiety levels weren't to high and I did good with the whole meeting new people. Some things I could never do a few months ago are now achievable!

Now the picture above just shows a garden right? Well yes it does. Just by the pile of sod is a cherry tree. To me that tree is rather significant. At the time Sean planted the tree a couple of months ago I found out I was pregnant. Once the shock had subsided we became quite excited. We talked about finances, work, child care, which room would be a nursery etc etc. When I was around 4 weeks we couldn't wait and told our parents. Not long after that we decided to track the progress of my pregnancy against the growing of the cherry tree. Before it got too late I stood next to that tree with my belly out and holding up 1 finger. I imagined what the following pictures would look like. I was also worried about being pregnant at a time when my mental health wasn't great. However I was confident I could cope.

At some point between 5-6 weeks my cats became ultra clingy. My cats are quite affectionately anyway, but he became almost possessive. He hissed at Sean and always cuddled right up to me on the couch. Then it happened. The pain. I tried not to worry. The day before I woke up and felt different. I even said to Sean 'I don't feel pregnant anymore'. I tried not to worry when there was light bleeding. It got worse. I went to hospital and the staff had a look of pity on their faces. I knew what had happened. I went back to the hospital 2 days later for another blood test. Being in limbo for those 2 days was horrible. But I already knew. The hospital phoned the same day and confirmed it. I actually felt better for knowing for sure but also mourned the loss of my future with a baby in it. I learned that an early miscarriage can be classed up to 12 weeks. That is 3 months. A third of a way through pregnancy! Don't let anyone tell you it wasn't really a baby, and be mindful that people handle things differently. I hope anyone who reads this who has gone through the same take some comfort from it. You're not alone.....far from it.

Life and it's damn lemons

The first third of 2016 has probably been the worst of my life. It has prompted me to write this blog, as a diary of sorts but without the privacy. If this year has taught me anything so far it's to be more open, even about things that are stigmatised. Especially things that are stigmatised. People need to feel like they're not alone. While (most) people don't want bad things to happen to others it is okay to take comfort in the fact that you're not the only one. 

I've tried many times to write and stick to writing a good old fashioned hand written diary. My teenage years were spent writing in a diary, but like most things back then I didn't see them through. I started with good intentions and lots of gusto only for it to fizzle out. I feel like I'm improving on that as I reach the big 3-0. In fact I think I've gone to the other side of the spectrum. I've become impatient (I like to pretend determined)and almost never leave things half finished. This may be down to my crippling anxiety issues but at least I'm more efficient! I've also learned that I'm quite adept at building things and DIY so that is a bonus. I'm sure my dad won't notice I still have his power drill! 

My future posts will contain things that people may not want to read, such as mental health, miscarriage...well mainly those two things as they are current issues in my life. Above is a picture of my two cats sat on me, which is rare them being both together and settling. Individually this is a daily occurrence, but I truly believe they sense a change in me as they haven't left my side. Oh yes I forgot to mention my blog will contain cats.