Enter Sandman

Yet again sleep has eluded me. It's just past 3am and although I love the quiet at this time, I also love sleep. Despite staying awake for 39 hours straight this week already, I am confronted with the fact that may happen again. Have I already said I love sleep? Some among us don't share the same opinion and if they could take a pill and never sleep again they would. I like to think of sleep as a regeneration process. During sleep the body is still working; storing memory, 'fixing' chemical .imbalances in the brain, keeping skin healthy and so on. I'm not sure why this bout of insomnia has hit me so hard this week. It could be down to a higher dose of medication or my endless racing thoughts about my upcoming wedding or worries about my state of mind OR all of the above. It's truly great to have a creative mind, but sometimes it goes into overdrive.

To help with my sudden rush of thoughts I've inadvertently turned the telephone jotter into a wedding planner. On my to do list is buying a scrapbook so the pages aren't to chaotic. Now most of my house is decorated my focus has shifted to a wedding. I don't know if the sudden urges to complete things is part of my illness but it's made me get shit done. Other times I feel like doing nothing at all and showering is an achievement.

On the weekend I went to a wedding fair and ended up finding a wedding venue. I worried all week that I wouldn't feel up to going as last week I felt pretty low. I'm glad I went. Finding out a venue I loved was actually achievable felt great. Once the venue was found the planning side started to snowball. I found my dress. This may all be in vain as I still have my fingers crossed to win a free wedding. It's warmed my heart the effort some people have gone to to collect tokens for us.

Now I'm going to try to regenerate. If this isn't achievable I will at least rest with my kitties. Don't leave me out again Mr.Sandman.

Dealing with loss.

Today I have felt a little down. Partly because it's the end of the school holidays and I'm not back in work plus I'm exhausted from the rush and social gatherings of the weekend. However, I did have a great weekend, my anxiety levels weren't to high and I did good with the whole meeting new people. Some things I could never do a few months ago are now achievable!

Now the picture above just shows a garden right? Well yes it does. Just by the pile of sod is a cherry tree. To me that tree is rather significant. At the time Sean planted the tree a couple of months ago I found out I was pregnant. Once the shock had subsided we became quite excited. We talked about finances, work, child care, which room would be a nursery etc etc. When I was around 4 weeks we couldn't wait and told our parents. Not long after that we decided to track the progress of my pregnancy against the growing of the cherry tree. Before it got too late I stood next to that tree with my belly out and holding up 1 finger. I imagined what the following pictures would look like. I was also worried about being pregnant at a time when my mental health wasn't great. However I was confident I could cope.

At some point between 5-6 weeks my cats became ultra clingy. My cats are quite affectionately anyway, but he became almost possessive. He hissed at Sean and always cuddled right up to me on the couch. Then it happened. The pain. I tried not to worry. The day before I woke up and felt different. I even said to Sean 'I don't feel pregnant anymore'. I tried not to worry when there was light bleeding. It got worse. I went to hospital and the staff had a look of pity on their faces. I knew what had happened. I went back to the hospital 2 days later for another blood test. Being in limbo for those 2 days was horrible. But I already knew. The hospital phoned the same day and confirmed it. I actually felt better for knowing for sure but also mourned the loss of my future with a baby in it. I learned that an early miscarriage can be classed up to 12 weeks. That is 3 months. A third of a way through pregnancy! Don't let anyone tell you it wasn't really a baby, and be mindful that people handle things differently. I hope anyone who reads this who has gone through the same take some comfort from it. You're not alone.....far from it.

Life and it's damn lemons

The first third of 2016 has probably been the worst of my life. It has prompted me to write this blog, as a diary of sorts but without the privacy. If this year has taught me anything so far it's to be more open, even about things that are stigmatised. Especially things that are stigmatised. People need to feel like they're not alone. While (most) people don't want bad things to happen to others it is okay to take comfort in the fact that you're not the only one. 

I've tried many times to write and stick to writing a good old fashioned hand written diary. My teenage years were spent writing in a diary, but like most things back then I didn't see them through. I started with good intentions and lots of gusto only for it to fizzle out. I feel like I'm improving on that as I reach the big 3-0. In fact I think I've gone to the other side of the spectrum. I've become impatient (I like to pretend determined)and almost never leave things half finished. This may be down to my crippling anxiety issues but at least I'm more efficient! I've also learned that I'm quite adept at building things and DIY so that is a bonus. I'm sure my dad won't notice I still have his power drill! 

My future posts will contain things that people may not want to read, such as mental health, miscarriage...well mainly those two things as they are current issues in my life. Above is a picture of my two cats sat on me, which is rare them being both together and settling. Individually this is a daily occurrence, but I truly believe they sense a change in me as they haven't left my side. Oh yes I forgot to mention my blog will contain cats.