Quarantine Pros and Cons

I would be really interested in hearing other people's experience of quarantine. Plus this will be something to look back on in the future:

Pros

•  I've been able to spend more time with my daughter. 
• Some days I feel really creative (usual day to day life often creates a creative block) and have the time to craft, draw, paint etc.
• I have more time and energy to involve my daughter in creative things and she loves it too.
• I'm fortunate enough to still have a job and income, something I absolutely DO NOT take for granted. I know some who aren't so lucky.
• I've explored more of the beautiful green belt where I live, we've really enjoyed our walks as a family.
• I've seen first hand that nature is blooming again and even seen a fox on one of my walks.
• On the days we've felt motivated, we've de-cluttered a lot of the house and garden (got all the crappy jobs we put off done).
• I've actually been eating better during quarantine and preparing more meals from scratch.
• To my surprise I've actually done some exercise, not a lot but some!

Cons

• The big one: not seeing my family. I saw my mum most days and my dad and sister often. I know they are missing my daughter terribly.
• My daughter is only 2 so she doesn't understand why she can't see her family and friends. It breaks my heart when she says she misses them and wants to see them
• Some days I feel really un-motivated and the reality of the situation hits me. 
• Anxiety: it's not been as bad as I anticipated however it does creep up sometimes. I like to be in control of situations so it's been difficult for me mentally.
• The uncertainty of what is happening sometimes makes me panic. Usually around the time when the government make an announcement I start to worry about the upcoming changes.
• The impending changes that are going to happen. I know it will take time to get used to a new routine again (one that no doubt will be changing all the time)
• Health concerns. Not just for me, but my family, colleagues and students. Not having much faith in the government and having a death plague around is disconcerting! 
• Going back to work. Now this is a mine field. I work at a school. A PRIMARY school. After so much time off it would be hard to settle back in. NOW we to deal with uncertainty and concern for our students and staff on top of it. 
• Not seeing friends and socialising. 
• Missed events. My mum's 60th, likely my sister's 30th, a concert with my family, my husband and friend's birthday, my friend's wedding. They're the main ones.
• Not being as mentally stimulated. I have to think on my feet a lot in work and I have missed teaching the children.
• Fear that my daughter is missing out. No nursery. No days out. Worried that this will impact her development.
• Of course the fact that there's a pandemic killing thousands of people :( 

Not sure there is a point to this post but it does help sometimes just to get everything down. Please share your experiences too if you'd like. 

Covid19

I have not felt the need to write on this blog for quite some time, as when I do it is a cathartic act for when I am worried. Along with many, the uncertainty and limbo we have been left in has finally triggered my anxiety. Up until a couple of days ago I was admittedly blase about the virus and it's impact. Well not blase, but on the fence about it. Not sure what to think. Is this all an under or over reaction?

This type of anxiety I am feeling is manageable at present but it is near unbearable being in limbo. This staggered response by the government is hard to cope with. Personally, I would rather be on total lockdown so I know where I stand. Simple daily acts have now become a subject of uncertainty.

I can only comment on my personal experience. Currently, I am in limbo about my job. I just can't see a feasible outcome. I work in a school that will be open for vulnerable children and those who have key worker parents. I have to go to sleep tonight not knowing what my working life will be like next week. With staff and children already in isolation it is hard to imagine what is going to happen.

I mention work first because that is what's impacting me first. Of course I also have worries about the actual virus itself and the people that will lose their lives because of it. I have to now think carefully of who I interact with. Could I be potentially infecting them without knowing? It's a horrible thought. Especially with elderly relatives. Working in a school environment has obviously left me quite exposed. As does the need to use public transport daily.

I suppose the conflicting advice being given out at the moment is frustrating me. The lack of control is making me anxious. My husband working in health care has left us under pressure and irritable. I'm not even going to mention the bulk buyers!

This post may be a little fragmented but so is my brain at the minute. I hope by sharing some thoughts on this I can reach some common ground with people. Know that not everyone is out there for themselves and whatever worries you have they are valid. We are living in unprecedented times.

The thinker

Call it a blessing or a curse, I am a deep thinker. Having an inquisitive mind can be exhausting yet exhilarating. Did curiosity kill the cat or is ignorance bliss? It has been said that creative minds are often the most tortured. I've asked myself many times would I swap my mind for an ignorant mind? If so, would that ignorance equal strength? Would my life be truely fulfilling in a blissful blur....I guess I will never know.

As you can probably tell I'm in a reflective mood tonight. Everyone at some point must question their decisions and what path to go down given the choice again. It's true that experiences make who you are, but what if you could experience things differently?  I guess all these questions are arising as I'm fast approaching 30. Age is a number right? I don't think so. As much as I don't feel like an adult, I do feel like I've grown as a person. I think of my life 10 years ago. Heck, 15 years ago. Things that seemed like my whole world then aren't so much anymore. My worries, deepest fears, hopes for the future (or lack of) have changed dramatically.

I really feel like I've found myself in my 20's. I have found great company, true friends, like minded people who comfort, reassure and tell me when I'm being a dick. In my teens my life resolved around my friends and how I was perceived. Loving the wrong people. Not being sure of myself. The usual. I often wonder what I'll make of this part of my life in another 10 years. I'm far from being established as a contented, satisfied individual. I doubt I ever will be.

It's hard being yourself. If I could write something to my younger self I'd probably say 'You will embrace who you are.' Certain social situations are still hard for me and I sometimes feel that awkward teen stirring inside me. But I'm getting better at them. Just don't expect to engage in non awkard small talk with me! ;)

Appreciation is good for the soul

I always hated being told appreciate what you have and be thankful for all that you've got and yadayada. I actually felt bitter at times when I heard that when I was ill. It still annoys me a little, especially the memes on facebook and the like. I knew there were people worse off than me but it brought very little comfort. In fact I didn't like to think about the people worse off.

The thing about anxiety and depression is you can't truely feel grateful for what you have. Things may even be great in your life but you just can't recognise it. It's a void of feelings. A feeling that you aren't yourself. A feeling you will never get better. The burden of guilt. In a way you have to be selfish (or at least that's how it feels) and put yourself first. This can be extremely difficult. Thinking back to my lowest point is almost like looking back at someone else's life. It's terrifying.

Now my mind has cleared, I have thought a lot about every individual who has helped me. I've looked around at what I've got. I'm thinking about what small things I've done that I couldn't a few months ago. And you know what I feel? Appreciation. To all that I have, all who I know and the things I've achieved.

Now I'm looking to the future. Planning mine and Sean's wedding. It's very exciting. Even feeling excitement feels great.

If you are at a low point and feel like I'm gloating and you'll never feel that way again.....just know I felt that way once. Know I have broad shoulders to lean on. Am I saying I'm fully myself and I love everyone and everything? No, I'm still a grumpy, short fused sceptic. In many ways I will never become the carefree person I was once. I don't think it's something you can fully get over. But I'm moving forward and I am grateful to each and everyone of you that's cared about my welfare.

(If it sounds like I am rambling I am haha, it's late).

Reflection, perception and my weird and wonderful friends

I feel in a reflective mood this evening, probably down to my return to work tomorrow. I had doubts whether I would reach this point, not knowing if I would ever feel ready or no longer able to cope or do my job to the best of my ability. Things that once were part of my daily life became impossible. Leaving the house was a struggle so work seemed totally unachievable. My working life became a huge hurdle, a hurdle that I myself made taller and taller. Yet here I am. I'm about to leap, maybe heave myself, over that hurdle. I am ready to get my life back.

I am fortunate to have people inside and outside of work who have been extremely supportive. Maybe they don't realise how much they've helped because a simple 'how are you' has aided my recovery. I know everyone is not like that because I've heard it with my own ears. A misconception about mental rather than physical illness is that it's something you can control. I learnt the hard way that you can't.  I sometimes wish I had spoke my mind there and then. You wouldn't judge or expect someone with cancer to get over it. Some people may find that comparison unfair or extreme but some mental illnesses strip a person of who they are so they no longer look after themselves and even take their lives. Society still has a long way to go when it comes to the perception of mental illness.

For those people who have stood by me thank you. I appreciate it isn't easy to see someone you care about hurting. I know it's sometimes hard to find the words to say. I'm fortunate enough to have a loving and caring family and weird and wonderful friends. I have been given positive words of encouragement and comfort, been given thoughtful gifts, been told I am brave and that they are proud of me. For that I am truely thankful, more than you could know.

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2016....things can only get better?

2016. Probably the toughest year of my life. Scratch that. Definitely the worst year. Just as I opened up about my mental health, I opened up about my miscarriage. I was surprised to find out how common it was. I'd mention it and more often than not people would say they went through the same thing, or someone they knew had. If only it was spoken about more we would see that we are not failures, there isn't anything wrong with you, it doesn't mean you can't have a successful pregnancy and you're not less of a woman. Of course that doesn't take away the pain or make it any less personal to you, just that it happens a lot to a lot of people.

This year started off fairly badly. My anxiety was increasing and peaked when I had a breakdown of sorts in work. It left me housebound for some time and I've had a lot of time off work. Then I had a miscarriage. Then I got scammed online. We are still fighting with our previous letting agents. Sean got let down with a promotion in work. Sean has very recently broken his leg. When so much negativity is happening in your life it is hard to see the positives. You almost come to expect bad things and become more and more accustomed to them. Now we are coming up to the middle of the year and I'm hoping the second half will be kinder. I hate the saying 'things happen for a reason'. I know there are people worse off than me. But what I've learnt is it's okay to be pissed off, frustrated and feel hard done by. Sometimes a stiff upper lip isn't an option. However I won't let these things consume me.

Anxiety wise I am feeling better. I'm just starting to dip a toe into work (which became a huge barrier). I am more accepting of my illness and less likely to beat myself up about it. Just like diabetics need insulin, my brain needs medication (I know some people are adverse to medication but it seems to be helping me). I'm currently doing an online CBT course though I prefer to talk on a face to face basis. Perhaps talking therapy may be an option in the future. For now I'm going to continue what I am doing and work towards becoming me again.

Enter Sandman

Yet again sleep has eluded me. It's just past 3am and although I love the quiet at this time, I also love sleep. Despite staying awake for 39 hours straight this week already, I am confronted with the fact that may happen again. Have I already said I love sleep? Some among us don't share the same opinion and if they could take a pill and never sleep again they would. I like to think of sleep as a regeneration process. During sleep the body is still working; storing memory, 'fixing' chemical .imbalances in the brain, keeping skin healthy and so on. I'm not sure why this bout of insomnia has hit me so hard this week. It could be down to a higher dose of medication or my endless racing thoughts about my upcoming wedding or worries about my state of mind OR all of the above. It's truly great to have a creative mind, but sometimes it goes into overdrive.

To help with my sudden rush of thoughts I've inadvertently turned the telephone jotter into a wedding planner. On my to do list is buying a scrapbook so the pages aren't to chaotic. Now most of my house is decorated my focus has shifted to a wedding. I don't know if the sudden urges to complete things is part of my illness but it's made me get shit done. Other times I feel like doing nothing at all and showering is an achievement.

On the weekend I went to a wedding fair and ended up finding a wedding venue. I worried all week that I wouldn't feel up to going as last week I felt pretty low. I'm glad I went. Finding out a venue I loved was actually achievable felt great. Once the venue was found the planning side started to snowball. I found my dress. This may all be in vain as I still have my fingers crossed to win a free wedding. It's warmed my heart the effort some people have gone to to collect tokens for us.

Now I'm going to try to regenerate. If this isn't achievable I will at least rest with my kitties. Don't leave me out again Mr.Sandman.