Dealing with loss.

Today I have felt a little down. Partly because it's the end of the school holidays and I'm not back in work plus I'm exhausted from the rush and social gatherings of the weekend. However, I did have a great weekend, my anxiety levels weren't to high and I did good with the whole meeting new people. Some things I could never do a few months ago are now achievable!

Now the picture above just shows a garden right? Well yes it does. Just by the pile of sod is a cherry tree. To me that tree is rather significant. At the time Sean planted the tree a couple of months ago I found out I was pregnant. Once the shock had subsided we became quite excited. We talked about finances, work, child care, which room would be a nursery etc etc. When I was around 4 weeks we couldn't wait and told our parents. Not long after that we decided to track the progress of my pregnancy against the growing of the cherry tree. Before it got too late I stood next to that tree with my belly out and holding up 1 finger. I imagined what the following pictures would look like. I was also worried about being pregnant at a time when my mental health wasn't great. However I was confident I could cope.

At some point between 5-6 weeks my cats became ultra clingy. My cats are quite affectionately anyway, but he became almost possessive. He hissed at Sean and always cuddled right up to me on the couch. Then it happened. The pain. I tried not to worry. The day before I woke up and felt different. I even said to Sean 'I don't feel pregnant anymore'. I tried not to worry when there was light bleeding. It got worse. I went to hospital and the staff had a look of pity on their faces. I knew what had happened. I went back to the hospital 2 days later for another blood test. Being in limbo for those 2 days was horrible. But I already knew. The hospital phoned the same day and confirmed it. I actually felt better for knowing for sure but also mourned the loss of my future with a baby in it. I learned that an early miscarriage can be classed up to 12 weeks. That is 3 months. A third of a way through pregnancy! Don't let anyone tell you it wasn't really a baby, and be mindful that people handle things differently. I hope anyone who reads this who has gone through the same take some comfort from it. You're not alone.....far from it.