I always hated being told appreciate what you have and be thankful for all that you've got and yadayada. I actually felt bitter at times when I heard that when I was ill. It still annoys me a little, especially the memes on facebook and the like. I knew there were people worse off than me but it brought very little comfort. In fact I didn't like to think about the people worse off.
The thing about anxiety and depression is you can't truely feel grateful for what you have. Things may even be great in your life but you just can't recognise it. It's a void of feelings. A feeling that you aren't yourself. A feeling you will never get better. The burden of guilt. In a way you have to be selfish (or at least that's how it feels) and put yourself first. This can be extremely difficult. Thinking back to my lowest point is almost like looking back at someone else's life. It's terrifying.
Now my mind has cleared, I have thought a lot about every individual who has helped me. I've looked around at what I've got. I'm thinking about what small things I've done that I couldn't a few months ago. And you know what I feel? Appreciation. To all that I have, all who I know and the things I've achieved.
Now I'm looking to the future. Planning mine and Sean's wedding. It's very exciting. Even feeling excitement feels great.
If you are at a low point and feel like I'm gloating and you'll never feel that way again.....just know I felt that way once. Know I have broad shoulders to lean on. Am I saying I'm fully myself and I love everyone and everything? No, I'm still a grumpy, short fused sceptic. In many ways I will never become the carefree person I was once. I don't think it's something you can fully get over. But I'm moving forward and I am grateful to each and everyone of you that's cared about my welfare.
(If it sounds like I am rambling I am haha, it's late).
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