Appreciation is good for the soul

I always hated being told appreciate what you have and be thankful for all that you've got and yadayada. I actually felt bitter at times when I heard that when I was ill. It still annoys me a little, especially the memes on facebook and the like. I knew there were people worse off than me but it brought very little comfort. In fact I didn't like to think about the people worse off.

The thing about anxiety and depression is you can't truely feel grateful for what you have. Things may even be great in your life but you just can't recognise it. It's a void of feelings. A feeling that you aren't yourself. A feeling you will never get better. The burden of guilt. In a way you have to be selfish (or at least that's how it feels) and put yourself first. This can be extremely difficult. Thinking back to my lowest point is almost like looking back at someone else's life. It's terrifying.

Now my mind has cleared, I have thought a lot about every individual who has helped me. I've looked around at what I've got. I'm thinking about what small things I've done that I couldn't a few months ago. And you know what I feel? Appreciation. To all that I have, all who I know and the things I've achieved.

Now I'm looking to the future. Planning mine and Sean's wedding. It's very exciting. Even feeling excitement feels great.

If you are at a low point and feel like I'm gloating and you'll never feel that way again.....just know I felt that way once. Know I have broad shoulders to lean on. Am I saying I'm fully myself and I love everyone and everything? No, I'm still a grumpy, short fused sceptic. In many ways I will never become the carefree person I was once. I don't think it's something you can fully get over. But I'm moving forward and I am grateful to each and everyone of you that's cared about my welfare.

(If it sounds like I am rambling I am haha, it's late).

Reflection, perception and my weird and wonderful friends

I feel in a reflective mood this evening, probably down to my return to work tomorrow. I had doubts whether I would reach this point, not knowing if I would ever feel ready or no longer able to cope or do my job to the best of my ability. Things that once were part of my daily life became impossible. Leaving the house was a struggle so work seemed totally unachievable. My working life became a huge hurdle, a hurdle that I myself made taller and taller. Yet here I am. I'm about to leap, maybe heave myself, over that hurdle. I am ready to get my life back.

I am fortunate to have people inside and outside of work who have been extremely supportive. Maybe they don't realise how much they've helped because a simple 'how are you' has aided my recovery. I know everyone is not like that because I've heard it with my own ears. A misconception about mental rather than physical illness is that it's something you can control. I learnt the hard way that you can't.  I sometimes wish I had spoke my mind there and then. You wouldn't judge or expect someone with cancer to get over it. Some people may find that comparison unfair or extreme but some mental illnesses strip a person of who they are so they no longer look after themselves and even take their lives. Society still has a long way to go when it comes to the perception of mental illness.

For those people who have stood by me thank you. I appreciate it isn't easy to see someone you care about hurting. I know it's sometimes hard to find the words to say. I'm fortunate enough to have a loving and caring family and weird and wonderful friends. I have been given positive words of encouragement and comfort, been given thoughtful gifts, been told I am brave and that they are proud of me. For that I am truely thankful, more than you could know.

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